The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there...
The clatter and noise on the roof of the Massillon Review can only mean one extraordinary thing!
It's the return of Massillon's very own Surly Old St. Nick, the Extraordinary One, none other than Santa Frank.
Welcome back, Santa Frank!
"Ho, Ho, Ho... Santa is back with a vengeance this Christmas Eve, but truth be known, Santa has never really left the North Pole. Kathy What's Her Name can have the reigns to Santa's sleigh when she pries them from Santa's cold, dead hands!"
"Santa's loyal elves have kept the City Hall, I mean the 'North Pole Workshop' humming along in Santa's absence, laying the groundwork for Santa's triumphant return!"
"As a result, Santa has plenty of toys for Massillon's good girls and boys, and for the rest of you anti-Santa, anti-North Pole carpetbaggers, Santa has brought extra coal this year!"
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa sees that his favorite elf, Santa's Loyal Enforcer, has announced his retirement. Well, don't anyone worry! Santa found a way to keep his Loyal Enforcer in office before when the going got tough, and Santa is confident the Loyal Enforcer will end up un-retiring... again. Look for him to pop up in another North Pole office just as soon as he collects his pension and health care benefits. While Santa's Loyal Enforcer has faithfully mustered the troops to oppose the new mayor, we are a bit concerned about his driving abilities. Even Santa's sleigh has occasionally clipped the odd car in the parking lot, but to hit the same care twice in one night, well, that takes some doing. Santa is putting driving lessons in his stocking this year. When the Loyal Enforcer comes out of retirement... again, native born North Poleians need not fear parking next to him!"
"Now, Santa sees that North Pole City Treasurer Paul Lambert is retiring. Mrs. Santa has a little free time these days. And she isn't one to sit home and bake cookies. "That Woman" who temporarily took Santa's job as mayor should appoint Mrs. Claus as treasurer. Mrs. Claus and she have much in common. Neither one is actually from Massillon! Ho, Ho, Ho!"
"Santa sees that Santa's former Safety Service Director, Mike Loudiana, is throwing his hat into the ring to run for North Pole City Council. Santa couldn't have run the North Pole without Mike's help. Mike has taken a lot of flak for calling Santa, "Extraordinary," but Mike can't help calling them like he sees them! Mike's gift this year is a case of amnesia for the North Pole voters. Once they remember how Mike helped put the North Pole in the mess it's in now, and once people see the vast overtime he racked up as North Pole Safety Service Director, the voters of the North Pole's First Ward may not see fit to elect him. And that would be an extraordinary shame."
"Santa wants to personally thank the North Pole Auditor's office for the fine work they have done this past year. The Auditor elves do fantastic work keeping Santa informed of "That Woman's" dealings, and they worked vigorously to help Santa cover his proverbial behind as Santa left the North Pole Mayor's office last year. "That Woman" has an incredible mess on her hand, and without the Auditor's office exacerbating the situation, Santa would have been left holding more of the bag! They get Santa's unending gratitude! Ho, Ho, Ho!"
"Now, not all of Santa's former elves were as loyal as they could have been. Former North Pole Community Development Director Aane Aaby refused to quit before "That Woman" took office. He actually helped with the transition and taught the New Guy how to pay the Hotel bill! Aane Aaby gets a big lump of coal. The New Guy gets saddled with Santa's Hotel Deal, which is worse than getting a lump of coal!"
"Fire Chief Burgasser gets a lump of coal, too. Even though the North Pole Fire Station should have been condemned years ago, as Santa never kept it maintained properly, Chief Burgasser should have fought harder when "That Woman" closed it. And Santa called and gave him Hell for not doing it."
"Now what to give the ungrateful residents of the North Pole, who turned Santa Frank out after a mere 24 years in charge? Well, Santa left everyone the same thing in their collective stockings. The debt on the golf course. Which brings Santa to one of his favorite elves, Elf Moe. Elf Moe helped Santa unload the North Pole golf debt on the North Pole Parks and Recreation Department in the first place. Elf Moe voted to do it. And while Santa was in charge at the North Pole, Elf Moe said nary a word. But once Santa left, and "That Woman" took over, Elf Moe has had a change of heart. Elf Moe wants to give the golf course back. Forget the fact the North Pole is millions in debt and would literally collapse if that happened. Elf Moe is an elf on a mission, making "That Woman's" life miserable. Elf Moe gets a shiny new big screen television for the Legends of the North Pole Golf Course Club House. Money well spent!"
"The rest of you get the millions of debt we still owe, which won't be paid off until 2032. Ho, Ho, Ho!"
"As for Santa, it is much easier to drive his sleigh, now that Santa Claus Lane is no longer one of the Five Worst Roads at the North Pole, as determined by a study of a study that never happened. As for "That Woman," who temporarily took Santa's job, she got the mother of all disasters, the debt ridden, vat of red ink known as North Pole City government. And most of all, she gets no help in cleaning up the mess that Santa left her, which is the biggest lump of coal in Santa's bag. Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha!"
"Santa is back. And to quote Louie Brio's most recent Express Lube ad, it's good to be back riding with the boys!"
Believe!
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