Santa Frank is Coming to Town

He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
He's gonna find out
who's naughty or nice.

The Massillon Review is just thrilled to have Santa Frank stop by for a visit before his big night, when he delivers presents to all the good boys and girls of Massillon.

Take it away Santa...

Massillon Review? Santa thought this was the Massillon Football Tiger Booster Club meeting. Where's Marshall and Ron Pribich (Ho, Ho, Ho).

It doesn't matter. Santa is here today to check his naughty and nice list. Which good little boys and girls will get presents, and which bad little boys and girls will get a lump of coal in their stocking.

The first name on Santa Frank's list is David Hersher. David is one of my favorite council elves. Even though he barely got elected to city council, he has helped Santa Frank by introducing unpopular tax after unpopular tax. He votes for all Santa's unbalanced budgets, hotel mortgages, and restaurant purchases. I am giving David the key to the city for all his loyal rubber stamping. After the voters throw David out of office next year, he won't have a key to city council anymore, so I thought he might want another key (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Who do I have next on my list? It's Paul Manson. Paul is Santa's most loyal council elf. People have been criticizing Paul's job as chairman of the finance committee. They have been calling him my Lap Dog of the Treasury. I told Paul, it's not his job to read the budget, it's just his job to vote yes. Paul does what ever Santa wants. Paul gets to choose as many gifts as he wants from Santa's Workshop.

Donnie Peters. Donnie only gets a small present this year. Perhaps Santa will fill in a couple of pot holes in Donnie's ward. While Donnie voted for the 2010 unbalanced budget and voted to pay the mortgage at the Hampton, he voted against the 2011 unbalanced budget, and he voted against Santa's "Storm Water Utility Fee." Santa needed that money to put a new roof on the reindeer barn (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Eddie Elum? Eddie Elum?? Are you kidding Santa? Judge Elum gets a big bag of coal this year. Elum tried to stop Santa from selling Genshaft Park so that Santa could cover his ever growing budget deficit at the North Pole. This town ain't big enough for both Santa and the judge. That's why Santa has been encouraging some of his elves to file grievances against the judge. Santa will teach Judge Elum who runs this town. And it sure ain't the voters! (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Glenn Gamber. Council President Glenn Gamber gets a shiny new gavel for being Santa's Head Elf on city council. Glenn keeps the other elves in line to make sure that Santa's agenda is carried out, and that Santa isn't stuck with any responsibility for unpopular decisions. Whether he strong arms them, tricks them, or just takes the other elves out for eggnog to explain to them how they should vote, Glenn keeps them in line. Glenn also worked tirelessly to protect Santa's well earned pay raise when a certain female elf tried to repeal our annual unvoted pay raises. Santa needs the money. Santa's North Pole workshop comes with a golf course view, and the mortgage ain't cheap (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Ron Pribich. Santa Frank appointed Ron Pribich back to the Park Board when one of Santa's other appointees started to think for themselves. Former Park Board elf Joe Luckring wanted to use park insurance claim money for, get this, the parks! Santa had to quickly take care of business and get the parks back under control, and Ron Pribich is just my man. Ron sold Santa some land at the North Pole when Santa wanted to expand the workshop by another nine rooms. Ron Pribich gets Santa's undying gratitude this Christmas.

Who do we have here? Marshall Weinberg. Marshall Weinberg is a loyal 'friend of the program' football booster who worked tirelessly to "reorganize" the Massillon High School Athletic Department, so that football would be the top priority. Marshall wanted to make the head football coach the athletic director, and make the offensive coordinator the assistant athletic director. Santa loves Marshall because Marshall never lets common sense get in the way of his arguments. Marshall explained to the newspaper how if the head football coach was the athletic director, convicted Drug lord Kevin Smith might not have been growing marijuana on a cartel sized scale. Santa will give Marshall what Marshall always wanted. A top position of authority in the Massillon Tiger Football Booster Club (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Kevin Smith. Santa was just shocked to learn that Kevin was growing marijuana on an industrial level. After all, Santa appointed Kevin to be on the North Pole Zoning Board of Appeals. Kevin was also a former football booster club president and loyal 'friend of the program.' Growing drugs is a bad thing, but hey, Kevin was one heck of a poker player. Santa isn't sure what Christmas gifts are allowed in federal prison, but Santa will try and bring Kevin a present during visiting hours (Ho, Ho, Ho).

Johnnie Maier. Johnnie Maier thinks he is so much smarter than Santa. If the North Pole budget wasn't such a mess, Santa would tell Maier what to do with the $70,000 dollars Maier returned to the city's coffers. Santa knows Maier tried to embarrass Santa by bringing former President Clinton to town. It was all a conspiracy. Santa isn't sure what the conspiracy was about, but Santa is certain it was a conspiracy. Maier gets a big, fat lump of coal for Christmas (Ho, Ho, Ha!).

Tom Seesan. Tom was supposed to be a loyal 'friend of the program,' but Tom opposed the "football first" reorganization of the Washington High School Athletic Department. Tom has so disappointed the good little boys and girls who are 'friends of the program,' that Santa has no choice but to give Tom a lump of coal.

The Independent. Back in the day, the Independent was a good newspaper that printed whatever Santa had to say, and always defended Santa, regardless of how crazy Santa's ideas really were. Now the Independent is more discerning in its coverage of Santa's North Pole administration. The paper even occasionally criticizes Santa. This is not acceptable to Santa and his loyal elves. Either they write about Santa more favorably, or Santa will once again boycott the paper. They get coal!

Kathy Catazaro-Perry? Kathy Catazaro-Perry?? KATHY CATAZARO-PERRY????
She wants Santa's job! She is a no good, anti-Massillon, mayor hating, carpetbagging diva. Her last name is "Perry." How can she run for mayor of Massillon when her last name is "Perry?" She tried to take away Santa's pay raise, and now she wants to take Santa's job. This is Santa's job! Do you hear me? THIS IS SANTA'S JOB!!! Kathy Catazaro-Perry?? AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

We are so sorry. We need to end our visit with Santa. Santa needs a time out, and some nice hot cocoa to calm him down.
Merry Christmas Massillon!