A Visit with Santa

Can you hear it?

The sound of bells and minions on the roof.

It can only mean one thing.

The arrival of Santa Frank to the Massillon Review.

Welcome, Santa.

"Massillon Review?"

"Santa thought this was the Chamber of Commerce meeting."

"Where's (Chamber of Commerce President Bob) Sanderson? Bob used to work for Santa as North Pole Economic Development Director. He was Santa's right hand elf on the Arena project. Santa just wanted to know if Bob has sold any more hockey tickets this year (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Seriously though, Even though Santa lost the North Pole election, Santa isn't bitter. Santa even got a new sleigh this year. Now, Santa knows the North Pole budget is almost 2 million dollars short, but the Auditor Elf doesn't pay the bills anyway. She just pushes them into next year. They will be Kathy Catazaro-Perry's problem. That's what she gets for taking Santa's job (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Santa wants to let everyone know that the transition to the new North Pole mayor is going great. Santa is having his elves at the workshop cause as much mischief as possible before Santa has to leave. Santa sent out a memo asking his department head elves not to talk to the mayor-elect on city time. Santa refused to provide suitable office space for the mayor elect, and Santa even tried to get everyone to resign in mass before the new mayor took over. The elves are going full bore to jack up their overtime before the end of the year, and Santa's secretaries are busily working to scam the taxpayers out of money they don't deserve. Santa will leave the North Pole coffers as empty as possible so that he may teach the bad little boys and girls of Massillon what happens when you cross Santa (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Now, some of Santa's Elves, seeing the hand writing on the wall, knowing that Santa is leaving the workshop soon, are starting to spill Santa's secrets, like that Santa had the North Pole Engineer lie about the condition of Santa Claus Lane so that it would be resurfaced before Santa left office. Santa deserves a nice road after all he has done for the ungrateful boys and girls of Massillon (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Santa wants all the boys and girls to know that Mrs. Claus is doing great. She continues to write letters and comments under multiple different names, spewing hate and discontent throughout the North Pole. Mrs. Claus has made it her personal mission to attack the incoming mayor every day. She enjoys this a whole lot more than baking cookies (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Time to check Santa's naughty and nice list before Santa heads over to Louie Brio's Express Lube for a quick oil change on the sleigh (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Let's see who gets coal and who gets a present tonight."

"Auditor Jayne Ferrero. Jayne is Santa's favorite elf and Santa's Loyal Defender. Jayne stopped paying the North Pole's bills a long time ago. She is pushing the city's bills and debts into 2012 so that Santa may leave the workshop with clean hands and no responsibility for the mess he's made. This horrific mess will be dropped right on Kathy Catazaro's head and without Jayne Ferrero's help, Santa would not have been able to set up Catazaro-Perry and pin the financial collapse on her. Not only will she have next year's bills next year, she will have this year's bills next year. Santa doubts Catazaro-Perry will have enough money to even pay the elves their first paycheck in January. Santa will be laughing his jolly ass off as he heads into retirement and plots his comeback. Jayne Ferrero gets any present she wants (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"The Boy Wonder, Larry Slagle. Larry Slagle will continue to fight Santa's battles on Santa's behalf as a member of the North Pole City Council. Larry opposed the new mayor's plan to hire a budget director. Larry's explanation for his decision was that he voted NO because Kathy Catazaro-Perry would have voted NO if the budget director was Santa's idea. He didn't vote NO because he thought it was a bad idea. Way to go, Larry, putting your loyalty to Santa over the good of the city. Now, everyone knows that Santa would never have proposed hiring a financial professional to go through the North Pole's books. Santa's finances are Santa's business. The Boy Wonder gets a big present this year for putting his loyalty ahead of his common sense. Again. (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Taxman David Hersher. While Santa appreciates David's loyalty for the four years he has been on council, faithfully rubber stamping Santa's proposals, as wacky as some of them were, and loyally fronting Santa's tax increases, David voted against Santa and with Kathy Catazaro-Perry at his last ever North Pole council meeting. David angered Santa by voting for the budget director. Shame on him. Does he want Kathy to succeed, or what? David gets a lump of coal, because as we all know, if you disagree with Santa even once, you have an enemy for life (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Lee Brunckhart and Meagan Todaro Kircherner. These are Santa's Republican elves and surrogates. Once Santa lost the North Pole Democratic primary, Santa adopted these Republican elves, and they were happy to do Santa'a bidding. Lee Brunckhart's inspired defense of the ill-fated $200,000 dollar tax payer purchased restaurant at the debt ridden Legends of Massillon golf course was inspiring. Santa doesn't even know how he Lee did it with a straight face. Unfortunately, riding on Santa's coattails didn't work out, and they both got crushed, and Santa means crushed, even though the other Republicans faired extremely well in the North Pole elections. Santa will be bringing them a present, and a little advice. Elected office is probably not in your futures (Ho, Ho, Ho)."

"Kathy Catazaro-Perry. Kathy gets the biggest lump of coal possible. She gets to be Mayor of the North Pole. Santa has put the North Pole in horrific debt. Santa's alleged North Pole economic development successes have been a series of insider deals propped up with taxpayer dollars. And when the North Pole economy soured, these risky deals soured, and the taxpayers got stuck with the bills. Santa's budgeting process is so hap hazard and convoluted, people are left thinking Enron did the accounting. And the plan to deal with the monstrous budget shortfall was to push the bills into next year, dumping them right on Kathy's lap. And even as mayor, the Auditor and Law Director are still faithful to Santa. And every proposal Kathy makes to fix things will be automatically and aggressively opposed. If the Budget Director idea was Santa's idea, do you really think Larry Slagle would have opposed it? No, Larry would have told Santa what a great idea it was. Do you think Paul Manson would have voted no if it were Santa's idea? Absolutely not. Santa created the city's financial mess, but will be blaming Kathy Catazaro-Perry for the damage. Santa thinks Kathy's screwed, and that will be Santa's gift to himself. (Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha)."

"The bad little boys and girls of Massillon, who kicked Santa out of office are all getting coal this year. They crossed Santa. What they don't realize is this is Santa's town. And Santa plans on coming back."

"So hang your stockings, and say your prayers, 'cuz Santa Frank rides tonight (Ho, Ho, Ho)!"